Dom Hemingway – opening monologue

Delivered by Jude Law, the penis monologue from Dom Hemingway.

“Is my cock exquisite? Oh, cos I think it’s fucking exquisite.

I think it’s a fucking work of art.Like a Renoir. Or a Picasso.
The painting of my cock should hang at the Louvre.

They should study my cock in art classes, spend whole courses…studying the splendid contours of its exquisiteness, don’t you think?

They should also study my cock in science class cos it defies nature.

My cock is hard. It’s metal, it’s steel,it’s titanium.
It does not break. It does not weaken.

My cock can stand all day like a good soldier trying to impress his superiors.

If my cock could win a medal, it would.
If they could name a school after it, it should.
If it could save small Somali children from starving, it would and should, and it’ll have a Nobel fucking Peace Prize for it, the first such prize ever given to a cock.

My Nobel Prize-winning cock’s like a cheetah, all sleek and dangerous and deadly.

Sonnets should be written about how dangerous my cheetah cock is.
Poems, plays.
Wars should be won over it, kingdoms fallen because of it.

My cock is lightning. It is fire. It is a volcano brewing with the sacred semen, lava…
Sugar and spice and all things…”